Punishments and Teenagers-Part IV
Punishment and Teenagers-Part IV
Please read the first three articles in this series to understand
what this next article covers…
To counter the anger and self-image problems of punishments, give
your teenager a chance to make it up. (This is a different approach
than what I wrote about in the previous paragraph.) One technique I
use is to allow a teen to write sentences. With smaller and younger
children, the sentences are written while in time out. Time outs will
still work with twelve year olds, but again, less and less so with teens.
Instead, let your teenager use the computer to write the sentences.
(Be careful because a computer literate teenager will use the word
processor to type one sentence, then copy and paste it over and over
until there are 500 of the same sentence, making it look like they have
spent considerable time typing. Wrong. If your teen cannot be trusted
to “serve” the time, have him or her hand-write the sentences.) The
sentences are positive, such as, “I will listen,” “I will cooperate,” or
“I will do my chores when asked,” etc. The sentences should not state
the absence of negatives, such as “I will not disobey,” “I will not yell,”
etc. The sentences should be positive and directly relate to
(be the opposite of) the negative behaviors that earned the teen the
consequence. Then, when your teenager finishes the sentences,
punishment is over. S/he gets time off for good behavior! Writing the
sentences drives home positive ideas about what to do, how to behave, etc.
and his/her future self-image is set up to better succeed by learning from
mistakes, not covering them up. Escaping time out or just the
consequences of having to write sentences minimizes the experience of
anger sooner, and sooner increases the likelihood of positive behavior.
One side comment on writing sentences-don’t worry too much about
how much time your teen spends writing. Writing sentences is supposed
to help your teen hit the “re-set” button, to think about what s/he just
did and to decide not to do that again. When your teenager “gets it,”
the punishment should soon end. Usually this occurs in direct proportion
to the perceived importance of the item, activity or space lost. Usually
the teen is glad to escape such boring tasks such as putting pen to paper
over and over, which by itself has the effect of correcting future crummy
behavior. But some kids (of all ages) will give “lip service” to the idea
of “getting it,” telling the parent s/he has learned his or her lesson just
to get out of the consequences sooner. Then, when they have escaped the
punishment or had reinstated the lost item, activity or space, they behave
poorly again, thinking they have duped the parents. As the parent, it is
your job to figure out if your teenager really “got it” and then
(and only then) allow early parole. If they try to pull the wool over your
yes, the teen gets to pay more penance, this time with a little extra time
thrown in. The older the teen, the less effective writing sentences is and
the more manipulative s/he is, trying to convince the parent of the
uselessness of the exercise, because, they “are too old for that.” Really
difficult teens will just refuse to write any sentences, so you will have to
come up with something else.
-Dr. Griggs
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